[Jokes] Rules For Bank Robbers (fwd)

Chris McKenna cmckenna at sucs.org
Wed Oct 20 09:09:17 BST 2004

Chris 'Awkward' McKenna

cmckenna at sucs.org

The essential things in life are seen not with the eyes,
but with the heart

Antoine de Saint Exupery

---------- Forwarded message ----------

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated 
and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who 
apparently don't know the first thing about their business.

For instance it is reported that in spite of the widespread use of 
surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent 
never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range 
plans for concealing the loot.

Thus, this advice is offered to would-be bank robbers, along with examples 
of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the 
fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in 
business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too 
familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making 
his getaway. She turned him in.

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, this is harder to plan. One teller in 
Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the 
street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police 
car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by 
a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the 
ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back 
of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an 
envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East 
Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's 
signature and account number.

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to 
hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where 
he showed them his "weapon."

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note 
saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The 
teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment 
on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it 
accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank 
robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing 
stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in 
drawing attention to themselves.

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who 
took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove 
up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered 
the security men money.

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's 
car, which she carefully described to police in 'minute' detail. This 
resulted in the most quickly-solved bank robbery in the history of 
Pittsfiled, Mass.

9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing 
the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, not to mention 
severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston 
painfully discovered the hard way.

10. Consider another line of work. One nervous criminal in Swansea, Mass., 
fainted when the teller told him she had no money. He was still unconscious 
when the police arrived.


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