[Jokes] puns (some old, some new)

Chris McKenna cmckenna at sucs.org
Thu Apr 20 18:26:14 BST 2006

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Sometime you just have to lower yourself to read stuff like this -but
it is punny!

1) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed
in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

2) A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down You'll
just have to be a little patient."

3) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered
dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of
seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out
and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the
road. Afraid to wake t! hem, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls
across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

4) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the
leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo
looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like
these, who needs enemas?"

5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted
to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for
pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling
west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest
quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in
Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the
origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have
absolutely nothing to go on."

7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite
off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a
month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The
chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining
to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must
have taken Leif off my census."

9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept
on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant and the! first two each had a baby boy. The one who
slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that
the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of
the other two hides.

10) By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered them
and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't
lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping
one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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