[Jokes] (no subject)

[Robert Grant]

VIZ TOP TIPS

Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They
will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.
J B Cartland, Brighton.

Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker
"Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be
dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.
J. T., Thropton.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin into a bowl of iron filings.
B Villbens, Birmingham.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
"erased."
Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge.

A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to
guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble
dispenser at cocktail parties.
L Traintu, Clarkesville.

Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey.
It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph."
James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital.

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding
under the covers.
Charles Holley, Newcastle.

Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an
empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.
Ms. G. M. Dowd, Wigan.

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each
pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and
receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.
P.Turner, Liverpool L17.

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking
them to wrap it.
D. Treloar, Wandsworth.

A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an
ideal "car" for snakes.
G. Dorson, Skipton.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Phil Wasey, Liverpool.

Cant afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film
and press them into your eyes.
D. Stokes, Middlesex.

Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.
P.J. Ruddock, London.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.

Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about
4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat
tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.
Andy Hodgeson, Manchester.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.
S Goldhanger, Fulchester.

Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa
anytime by just turning on the tap.
Mrs M Growitt, Birmingham.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed and on time.
Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany.

Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever
you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two
plastic buckets.
D. Griffiths, Kent.

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and
talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,
or set fire to someone else's house.
Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham.

Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the
tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have
sex without waking her up.
Frank Wilson, Southend.

Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're
shite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra
girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.
Daphnie Treloar, Cardiff.

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't,
because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-
arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
D Thresher, Wapping.

Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen
chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.
B Reastford, Iranville, Notts.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in
every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of
the escaping gas.
N. Burke, Manchester.

As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we
smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in
such emergencies.
Mrs D Bibby, Rugby.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead.

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case
a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up
the road.
D. Rogers Hemel, Hempstead General Infirmary.

Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle
East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British
Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a
few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any
planes home.
S Goblin, Middlesex.

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your
head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide
out.
Kate Emblen, Uxbridge.

Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else,
instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid Bastards.
M Burridge, Newcastle.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
P Raker, Chatham.

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and
attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be
worn around the neck.
B Morgan, Criccieth.

Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
D Duckham, Didford.

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative
to sun-bed treatments.
Mr T. Eebly, Warstead.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.
P Loft, Gateshead.

I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving.
The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have
completely forgotten ever owning a car.
Mike Grey, Essex.

Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by
steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.
T.C. Jackson, York.

Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simply
gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.
J. Bradley, Beeston, Notts.

Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!
Toffee.
A. Sharp, Birmingham.

Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by
making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each
temple.
Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.

Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a
few wank mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and
easier to smuggle into the toilet.
Carl Hesketh, Blackburn.

A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.
Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.

Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse
neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player
during a powercut.
Howard Urmenyl, Amersham, Leo Sayer country.

Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you
on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the
blame.
Bastien Phelp, Bath.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over
any that you catch in the act.
W. T. Conqueror, Hastings.

Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe
and a cricket ball.
I. K. Brunel, Bristol.

Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn
back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.
C. Custer, Little Bighorn.

Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with
a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off
the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic
and dangerous landings.
Neil Davis, e-mail.

Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral" style branding
irons.
J.T. Thropton.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
Sister S. Berwick, Blackrod.

Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The
Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their
holes.
J.T. Thropton.

Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down
the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in
your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.
Simone Glover, Tottenham.


VIZ TOP TIPS 2

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat
friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The
possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off
smoking any of them.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking
thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and
telling her.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic
explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their
noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to
impress the girls.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Housewives. When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff
broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the
side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a
thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on
the wall.

Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their
lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in
a sand pit in your garden, and shag every bloke who looks at you over
the fence.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.
B. Johnson, Canada.

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff
straight down the pan.

Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating
only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all,
as to your allegiance.

Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm
by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
pissing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by
buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next
fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute, etc "tastes exactly like the real thing," they won't know
any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt
be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about
yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of "rodeo sex." Take your
missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by
the wrong name. See how long you can "stay mounted" for.

Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the
buggers.

HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in
is the LEFT fucking one.