[Jokes] Curry testing (fwd)

Chris McKenna cmckenna at sucs.org
Tue Apr 9 20:58:39 BST 2002

Chris 'Awkward' McKenna

cmckenna at sucs.swan.ac.uk
awkward at gmx.co.uk

The essential things in life are seen not with the eyes,
but with the heart

Antoine de Saint Exupery

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 9 Apr 2002 19:25:30 +0100

Notes From An Inexperienced Curry Taster named FRANK, who was visiting
Phoenix, Durban, South Africa from the U.S.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local
Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:
Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy.
Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the
look on my face.
Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an
Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital
treatment. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry
had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,and garlic.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone!
Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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