[Jokes] FW: [TTFF] Joke Collection

McKenna, Chris (RDSSW) chris.mckenna at defra.gsi.gov.uk
Mon Oct 14 11:10:00 BST 2002

-----Original Message-----
From: alanradley [mailto:alanradley at 0800dial.com] 
Sent: 13 October 2002 16:33
To: ttforumfriends at yahoogroups.com
Subject: Re: [TTFF] Joke Collection


A matron was at the local country club playing 18 holes when she got
stung by a bee. She ran inside, and reported it to the resident golf
"Where did you get stung?" he asked.
"Between the first hole and the second hole."
"Madam, I think your stance is too wide.

Subject: Psalm 129

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road he stopped
and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing the 
habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The Priest had a look and nearly had
an accident. 
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.  The nun
looked at him 
and immediately said "Father; remember psalm 129". The priest was flustered
apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was
to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his
hand slide
up her leg again. The nun once again said "Father, remember psalm 129".
Once again
the priest apologised.  "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak". Arriving at
the convent, the
nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went her way. On his arrival
at his 
Church, the priest rushed up to retrieve the Bible and looked up psalm 129.

It said "Go forth and seek, further up you will find Glory".


The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and 
said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a 
couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she  asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears 
out of nowhere"

This guy is flying down the road, and he comes over a bridge. 
Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side
of the bridge and pulls him over. 

The cop walks up to the guy's car and asks, "What's the hurry?" 
The guy says, "I'm late for work." 

Cop says "What do you do?" 

The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher." 

The cop says, "What? A rectum stretcher?" 

The guy says, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to 
two fingers... eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly 
stretch it until it's about six feet wide." 

The cop asks, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?" 

"Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge....." 

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding 
marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They 
search the shed where the firewood is kept, break 
every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom 
and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my
garden plowed."

What have a two inch penis and a rattle snake have in common? 

No one wants to f**k with them.......

Alex Ferguson calls Beckham into his office. 'David', he says, 'I need to
talk to you about your performance against Leeds the other night, you were
bloody hopeless, completely off form.' 'Sorry boss', says David. 'I've not
been myself lately.

I've got a few problems at home.' 'Oh dear' says Fergie, 'What's up? posh &
the kids Ok?'
'Oh, they're fine, it's just that something is really bugging me and I'm
losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's
really messing me head up.'
'Whatever's the matter?' says Fergie
'Well boss, It's pretty serious. Victoria bought this jigsaw puzzle the
other day and.........'
'A JIGSAW??' shouts Sir Alex. 'You're playing sh*t because of a jigsaw?'

'Yeah boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing me head in!' says
David, 'It's really hard, it's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really
easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just
can't get it right and it's doing my head in and, and.........'
'David, David, David' says Fergie, 'You better get a grip son and quick.'
'Ok boss, but.............It's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really
easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I
can't do it and it's doing my head in and.......and....it's a Tiger and it
looks easy but it's really hard and er, it's a Tiger and everything, er...
on the box...er.....sorry boss.'
'Ok, Ok' says Sir Alex, 'bring in the bloody jigsaw and let's have a look,
shall we? It can't be that difficult'.
'Thanks boss.' says David.

So Becks brings in the jigsaw and takes it to Fergie's office.
'Here it is boss' he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box, 'look
boss, it's a Tiger right, and it's a really good picture and everything but
I just can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my head in and
Becks empties all the pieces from the box all over Fergie's desk. Sir Alex
looks at what's on the desk, looks up with his
head in his hands and says to Beckham...........


'Put the f**king Frosties back in the box David'......

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