[Jokes] Made to make you smile :)

[Roddy Sharp]

Dictionary For Women's Personal Ads:

Adventurous............Slept with all your mates

40-ish............49

Athletic............No tits

Average looking........Face like an arse

Beautiful............Pathological liar

Contagious smile........Does a lot of pills

Educated............Was screwed to bits at university

Emotionally secure......On medication

Feminist............Fat

Free spirit............Junkie

Friendship first.........Former slut

Fun.................Annoying

Gentle.................Dull

Good listener..........Autistic

New age................Body hair problems

Old fashioned..........No BJs or anal

Open minded............Desperate

Outgoing...............Loud and very embarrassing

Passionate.............Sloppy drunk

Poet...................Depressive

Professional............Bitch

Romantic...............Frigid

Social.................Crotch like a wizard's sleeve

Voluptuous.............Very fat

Large lady.............Immensely fat

Wants soul mate.........Stalker

Widow..................Murderer


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The First Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day,
their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they
made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild
sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00pm. As the man threw on his
clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub
them through the grass and dirt.Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He
slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?"
demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to
you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having
sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until
eight o'clock."  The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying
b at stard! You've been playing golf!".


The Second Affair:
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son
they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got
pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months
later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He
took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the
father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a
stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife
just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"


The Third Affair:
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As
he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest
wi1ly he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the
mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a
tremendously huge wi1ly like this. It has to be saved for
posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead
man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it
home.

The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show
you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his
briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"



The Fourth Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly
rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just
pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as
he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied
nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so
much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later When they went to
sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to
the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a
glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I
stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me
as much as a glass of water."


The Fifth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her
praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips
began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my
love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said
in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's
nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky,
"everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace,
Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best
friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."



This communicae from 'the other side' was brought to you in conjunction
with "Krystal Ballz Ltd" and "The Fortune Tellers Guild"