[Jokes] FW: Back to Skool

McKenna, Chris (RDSSW) chris.mckenna at defra.gsi.gov.uk
Mon Sep 8 17:20:21 BST 2003

-----Original Message-----
From: ian.jones
Sent: 08 September 2003 17:08
Subject: [TTFF] Back to Skool

You may have seen these before - but they're very good!

The following "history" of the world is compiled from certifiably genuine
student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from
eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a
huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France
and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their
children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to
sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's
birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be
partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave
refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them
to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get
the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical
times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth
is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in
the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The
Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the
last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not
written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government
of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own
hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they
couldn't climb over to see what their neighbours were doing. When they
fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had
more men.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur
lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the
Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and
the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna
Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of
the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote
literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their
human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for
selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by
a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made
him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a
historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the
world with a 100-foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear
never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in
Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one
of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving
himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince
Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an
example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was
Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John
Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote
"Paradise Regained."

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post
without stamps.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a
loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats
backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died
in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,
"In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address
while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Bach died
from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He
was so deaf he wrote loud music.

During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in
their shoes.

Queen Victoria was the longest queen in England. She sat on a thorn for 63
years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory
of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

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