[Jokes] Microsoft Soup

Justin Mitchell arthur at sucs.org
Tue Jul 13 12:29:22 BST 2004

If Microsoft made Soup  (borrowed from somewhere in usenet)

My Microsoft Tomato Soup is Lumpy ?
Microsoft Tomato Soup has no lumps. If you have lumps in your Microsoft 
Tomato Soup, you may have purchased an illegal copy. Check the hologram 
on the inside of the tin.If there isn't one, please send it to us with 
details of where you purchased your copy of Microsoft Tomato Soup.
This does not entitle you to any cash or soup rewards.

My Soup has no Croutons ?
Only Microsoft Tomato Soup with Croutons has Croutons. You will need to 
upgrade to Microsoft Tomato Soup with Croutons.

Can I add Croutons ?
No. Microsoft Tomato soup has no support for Croutons. Please Upgrade to 
Microsoft Tomato soup with Croutons. We do not advise you add your own 
Croutons, or Croutons from a third party supplier.Third-party Croutons
may cause your soup to thicken or hang when stirring.

Is there a list of what Microsoft Tomato Soup contains ?
The contents of Microsoft Tomato Soup (including sauce-code) are not 
available to the general public. If anyone offers you such information, 
please tell us. This does not entitle you to any cash or soup rewards.

Will Microsoft Tomato Soup fit in my saucepan ?
Microsoft Tomato Soup comes in one handy-size tin. We recommend a three-
gallon saucepan (minimum).

Are smaller versions of Microsoft Tomato Soup available ?
No. Microsoft does not optimize it's Tomato Soup, based on individual  
user's nutritional requirements.

Can I try Microsoft Tomato Soup before I buy ?
Yes, we can send out the Microsoft Tomato Soup sampler-tin on request.
However, you are required to have a licensed copy of Microsoft Tin 
Opener. This sampler of Microsoft Tomato Soup will expire in three days 
and is difficult to remove. We accept no liability in the cleaning or 
replacement of saucepans due to the installation of this Sampler.

How secure is Microsoft Tomato Soup ?
As safe as you make it. We accept no liability for loss or damage to 
your Microsoft Tomato Soup. In the case of Soup-Dragons or the 
"Clanger" virus We suggest you purchase additional security, 
such as locks for your kitchen cabinets. We also suggest you never leave 
your Microsoft Tomato Soup unattended. Never give your Microsoft Tomato 
Soup to anyone else to cook, even if they claim to be a chef.

Can I share Microsoft Tomato Soup with others
No. You will need to purchase Microsoft Cream of Tomato Soup or 
Microsoft Cream of Tomato Soup with Croutons. 

How many people can share my Soup ?

Both Microsoft Cream of Tomato Soup and Microsoft Cream of 
Tomato Soup with Croutons, come with four user licenses as standard.
Additional users of Microsoft Cream of Tomato Soup require you to 
purchase 1 copy of Microsoft Spoon for each additional user.
Up to 10 additional users of Microsoft Cream of Tomato with Croutons can 
be added with every purchase of Microsoft Smart-Soup.

Can I return my Microsoft Tomato Soup ?
Yes, Providing there is a valid hologram inside the tin and the tin has 
not been opened or tampered with.

There's a bug in my Microsoft Tomato Soup. What do I do ?
There are no bugs in Microsoft Tomato Soup.
However, it is possible that it could be a fly.
In the case of this being a fly, we have not charged you enough.
Please send us your billing address.

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