[Jokes] US Politics for Dummies

[Matt Hawkins]

US Politics for Dummies
 
Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
 
A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction, honey.

Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.

A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.
 
Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?
 
A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.

Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find
   any weapons of mass destruction, did we?

A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden.
   Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right 
   before the 2004 election.

Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?

A: To use them in a war, silly.
 
Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weaponst that they planned 
   to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those 
   weapons when we went to war with them?

A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those 
   weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than 
   defend themselves.

Q: That doesn't make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die 
   if they had all those big weapons to fight us back with?

A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.

Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those 
   weapons our government said they did.

A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those 
   weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.

Q: And what was that?
 
A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam 
   Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to 
   invade another country.

Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade 
   his country?

A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.
 
Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
 
 A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic 
    competitor,where millions of people work for slave wages in 
    sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.

Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American 
   corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country 
   tortures people?

A: Right.
 
Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
 
A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. 
   People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison 
   and tortured.

Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?
 
A: I told you, China is different.
 
Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?
 
A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while 
   China is Communist.

Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?
 
A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.
 
Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
 
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba 
   are sent to prison and tortured.

Q: Like in Iraq?
 
A: Exactly.
 
Q: And like in China, too?
 
A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other 
   hand, is not.

Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?
 
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some 
   laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business 
   with Cuba until they stopped being Communists and started being 
   capitalists like us.

Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and 
   started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans 
   become capitalists?

A: Don't be a smart-ass.
 
Q: I didn't think I was being one.
 
A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba. 

Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
 
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam 
   Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a 
   legitimate leader anyway.

Q: What's a military coup?
 
A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a 
   country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do 
   in the United States.

Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?

A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan 
   is our friend.

Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?

A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.
 
Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by 
   forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an 
   illegitimate leader?

A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he 
   helped us invade Afghanistan.

Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
 
A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.
 
Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
 
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men? Fifteen of them Saudi 
   Arabians hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into 
  buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.

Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
 
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive 
   rule of the Taliban.
 
Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off 
   people's heads and hands?

A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off 
   people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.

Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars 
   back in May of 2001?
 
A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job 
   fighting drugs.

Q: Fighting drugs?
 
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing 
   opium poppies.

Q: How did they do such a good job?
 
A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban 
   would have their hands and heads cut off.
 
Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing 
   flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands 
   off for other reasons?
 
A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off 
   people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off 
   people's hands for stealing bread.
 
Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?

A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy 
   that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they 
   were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who 
   did not comply.

Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?

A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.

Q: What's the difference?
 
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest 
   yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for 
   her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool 
   of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except 
   for her eyes and fingers.
 
Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.

A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis 
   are our friends.
 
Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th 
   were from Saudi Arabia.
 
A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.
 
Q: Who trained them?
 
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.
 
Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
 
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very 
   bad man.
 
Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
 
A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet 
   invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.
 
Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald 
   Reagan talked about?
 
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or 
   thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We 
   call them Russians now.
 
Q: So the Soviets ? I mean, the Russians ? are now our friends?
 
A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years 
   after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to 
   support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also 
   mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade 
   Iraq either.

Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
 
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French 
   fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.
 
Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what 
   we want them to do?
 
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.
 
Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
 
A: Well, yeah. For a while.
 
Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
 
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against
   Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.
 
Q: Why did that make him our friend?
 
A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.
 
Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?
 
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we 
   looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.
 
Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically 
   becomes our friend?
 
A: Most of the time, yes.
 
Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically 
   an enemy?
 
A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can 
   profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the 
   better.
 
Q: Why?
 
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for 
   America. Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes 
   war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now
   why we attacked Iraq?
 
Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
 
A: Yes.
 
Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
 
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells 
   him what to do.
 
Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because 
   George W. Bush hears voices in his head?
 
A. Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your 
   eyes,make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.

Q: Good night, Daddy.

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