[Jokes] FW: Pure quality

[McKenna, Chris (RDS SW)]

>  -----Original Message-----
> 3 quality jokes to brighten your day:
> 
> 1.  A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
> handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood.  She went to
> the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs
> for her to do.
> 
> "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
> 
> The blonde said, "How about 50 quid?"  The man agreed and told her that
> the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.  The man's
> wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband,
> "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
> 
> The man replied, "She should.  She was standing on the porch."
> 
> A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
> "You're finished already?" he asked. 
> "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
> coats. "
> Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50.  
> "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
> 
> *************************************************************
> 
> 2.  "What's it to be?" asks the Barmaid!
> "Th th th thr thr three pi pi pi pi ..." says the Englishman. Up steps the
> Scotsman.
> "Th th th th thr three pi pi pi pi ..."
> Next up is the Irishman.
> "Th th thr three pi pi pi pints of Gu gui, gui.."
> 
> B*gger this thinks the Barmaid & walks away to serve someone else.  She
> returns ten minutes later & asks if they're ready to order yet.
> 
> "Th th th th three pi pi pi pi.." Englishman.
> "Th th three pi pi pi pi pi.." Scotsman.
> "Th th th th th three pi pi pints Gu gui gui.." says the Irishman.
> 
> "Look" says the barmaid, "If anyone of you can tell me where you live
> without stuttering, I'll take you upstairs & show you a good time!"
> 
> Englishman: "Man Man Man Man Man Manch.."
> Barmaid: "No you lose!"
> Scotsman: "E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edi Edin.."
> Barmaid: "No you lose!"
> Barmaid to the Irishman: "And where do you live?"
> Irishman: "London!"
> 
> "B*gger" says the Barmaid as a cheer goes around the Pub.  She takes him
> by the hand & leads him upstairs.  Once in the bedroom, they both strip &
> the Irishman jumps on the bed & goes for glory for about five minutes!
> 
> Then, right at the climax he screams out!
> 
> " .... D D D D D D D D D D D D Derry!" 
> 
> *************************************************************
> 
> 3.  Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
> long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
> The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.  But every once in a
> while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
> 
> "Dave, don't worry about it.  You aren't the first medical practitioner to
> sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.  And you're
> single.  Just let it go, Dave."
> 
> But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality,
> whispering:
> 
> 
> "Dave...............................
> 
> 
> 
> Dave......................
> 
> 
> Dave...........
> 
> 
> You're a Veterinarian!
> 
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra)

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