[Jokes] FW: Wednesday thoughts

[Robert Grant]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of  me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty  much leave me the hell alone. 

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and  a leaky tyre. 

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your  neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be  promoted. 

6. No one is listening until you fart. 

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 

8. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of  mortgage payments. 

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their  shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you  have their shoes. 

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 

12. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a  laxative on the same night 

13. If you lend someone £10 and never see that person again, it was  probably worth it. 

14. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to  make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11. 

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. 

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes  from bad judgment. 

18. Build a man a fire and he'll stay warm for a night. Set a man on  fire and he's warm for the rest of his life. 

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,  and it holds the universe together. 

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 

22. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 

24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass...  Then things get worse. 

25. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too  seriously.